DOs: for Grievers

- Do be kind to yourself.

- Do make allowances for the emotional pain.

- Do give yourself ample time to heal.

- Do be realistic about your recovery span.

- Do find someone you can confide in, to talk through your needs.

- Do be honest about your needs.

- Do stay involved with your friends and family.

- Do allow yourself to talk about your loss.

- Do make an effort to join a support group.

- Do plan a trip or something different for the near future.

- Do tell a person if you feel his/her behaviour or advice is ineffective or offensive.

- Do expect limited support from society in general.

- Do express what you are feeling whenever you want to.

- Do cry even if someone is watching.

- Do maintain your spiritual life.

- Do try to continue with your daily activities when you feel strong enough.

- Do be aware of how another member of your family is handling his/her grief, and what you can do for them.

- Do talk about your loss with other members of your family who have also been affected by the loss.

- Do have photos and memorabilia of the person around you.

 

DON’Ts: for Grievers

- Don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself.

- Don’t feel you have to imitate someone else who has sustained loss.

- Don’t feel you have to perform according to the expectations of others.

- Don’t feel you have to compete with others.

- Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

- Don’t avoid counselling.

- Don’t shut people out of your life.

- Don’t be afraid of tears.

- Don’t be surprised by your anger, either intense anger or misdirected anger.

- Don’t give way to self-pity.

- Don’t be afraid to accept help offered to you.

- Don’t be too spiritual.

- Don’t be discouraged by your lack of interest in life.

- Don’t make irreversible decisions whilst grieving.

- Don’t expect a quick healing of your emotions.

- Don’t allow a well-meaning person to project his/her beliefs on to you.

- Don’t let Biblical principles compound guilt.

- Don’t allow others to place a band-aid on your pain.

- Don’t expect too many people to understand your pain and grief.

- Don’t let your grief go underground.

- Don’t put a wall of denial around you.

- Don’t expect to be “on top of things” for some time; or for very much of the time.

- Don’t punish yourself when you have flashbacks.

- Don’t isolate yourself from others.

- Don’t mistake an emotional adrenaline boost for faith.

- Don’t let guilt or recrimination rule your life.

- Don’t become dislocated from hope.

- Don’t expect too much emotional order for some time after loss or major trauma. 

 

DOs: for Helpers 

- Do be empathetic.

- Do allow him/her to talk and give them the gift of listening.

- Do be skillful.

- Do give him/her the freedom and opportunity to phone or visit you anytime.

- Do speak naturally of the loss.

- Do go out of your way for him/her.

- Do send cards initially and on anniversaries, to show you care.

- Do give him/her time.

- Do give him/her understanding.

- Do pray for him/her…quietly and discreetly.

- Do be confident and not fearful.

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DON’Ts: for Helpers 

- Don’t assume you know and understand it all.

- Don’t rush him/her through talking.

- Don’t use his/her grief to express your grief.

- Don’t impose if your attention is not welcome.

- Don’t use Biblical clichés.

- Don’t say “I know how you are feeling”.

- Don’t use text book advice.

- Don’t compare one person’s grief to another’s.

- Don’t give advice unless you are genuine towards him/her.

- Don’t withdraw your friendship.

- Don’t get so busy you cannot make regular contact.

- Don’t distract him/her from talking about their loss.

- Don’t hide behind a cloak of silence.

- Don’t dominate his/her life.

- Don’t break confidences.

- Don’t give hurtful or bitter advice.

- Don’t expect too much from him/her.

- Don’t appear to be directing. 

- Don’t steal the conversation.

- Don’t be offended if he/she rejects your advice, or you, for a period.

- Don’t react if he/she does not take your advice after asking for it.

- Don’t be afraid of tears.

- Don’t give medical advice.

- Don’t give legal advice.

- Don’t be casual about offering help.

- Don’t feel you have to have a rehearsed role.

- Don’t encourage hasty decisions about changing jobs or relationships.

- Don’t force recovery.

- Don’t be afraid to talk about the problem or mention the loved one by name.

- Don’t be morbid.

- Don’t be too jovial.

- Don’t ask probing questions.

- Don’t be overbearing when comforting.

- Don’t give glib advice.

- Don’t recommend books you have not read.

- Don’t make predictions.

- Don’t appear to be admonishing.

- Don’t appear to be moralizing.

- Don’t appear to be criticizing.

- Don’t appear to be sympathizing.

- Don’t ask closed questions.